THIS IS ANOTHER POST OF SICK JOKES. THEY DO NOT INTEND TO OFFEND ANY GENDER, RACE OR SUBJECT. I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUNNY AND SHOUL BE SHARE, HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
When I think of Susan Boyle I think of Computers.She really does make my cock microsoft.
I've named my newborn son after my sister I know some people think a baby having the same name as its parent is odd, but I'm OK with it.
My sister gets really annoyed when I introduce her as merely my half sister.She had her legs amputated after an accident.
My girlfriend is a porn star.She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Why I fired my secretary:Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.""Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".And I just sat there...On the couch...Sobbing...Naked...and erect.
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once." At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!" "Give me an example," she replied."Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
My wife said that I am going through a really immature period and that, if I don't grow up, it's going to erect a barrier between us.I replied, "He-he... period... erect..."
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...What the hell does 'ternative' mean?
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!""That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."
I found out by accident last night that my girlfriend is adopted.We were in bed together and I'm shouting, "Who's the daddy, Who's the daddy?""I don't know!" she replied, "There's an agency looking for him but they don't have any clues."
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."
Me: What's that smell?Wife: I can't smell anything.Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
I just ended a long-term relationship today.I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...... and stuck my cock in her mouth.
My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.
I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted.
